what am i supposed to do?

Where should I start?

I guess It is worse if I throw question from the beginning but I'm sorry I have to do that.

Have you ever done something that unnecessary and you have never done ONE important thing lately?

For example, you don't need to tell about your shameful behavior while sleeping but you tell it to a waitress in  a random cafe. YOU don't recognize your friends or even say hi when you see them on the - let say on the side walk while it makes your state of being friend more fragile. Does this thing make you feel angry to yourself?

You feel that is very-not-you spreading in your body or your soul fast as you can't control yourself. Those stupidity just happened without you know when it starts or ends.

I nearly on the state of lost in my mind. I lost my very big opportunity to fix the atmosphere between me and my friend at our campus (oh god, why I wrote this kind of very personal story? how if anybody I know read this post and tease me? but, wait! who cares anyway?! *rolled eyes*)

I could give someone better treatment, but I didn't. If I had given better treatment, I would have been friend with someone again with nothing to worry about.

I want to tell the truth to someone but I was being so unreasonable, uncontrolled, messy, and so much bad description that I can't even specify those into words.

I am not standing in the stage of my best. I've been at worst. The miserable thing in this case is I haven't found the solution yet.

What if I were no longer in the same air with people?

What if I die as tomorrow?

Maybe the lack of awareness in other's mind is unnoticed, but I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to change this. I'm trying to be better person. the result is not as important as my effort to do something for other people.

WHAT am I supposed to do?

Should I apologize but do the same mistake 'cause I can't handle my spontaneous attitude?

Should I pretend nothing happened and continue my life as before but I'll feel ashamed?

or maybe should I apologize properly, tell the truth, and walk away from the past? (and I can talk to everyone often without feel the fear)

Time will answer as anonymous says,

or is the time answering my questionable behavior now?

I guess, I'll be patient to wait.

I'll wait while I do something important for my career - studying!

I'll wait as the time comes and I'll get what will happen if I quit from my comfort zone.

If somebody get this too offended because It is so improper to write thing but not to say directly in real life, I'm sorry that I should show you my imperfection as a human.